You set the expectation.

Your child knows the rule.

You remind them.

You explain why it matters.

Then you add a consequence.

And somehow you are having the exact same argument again tomorrow.

For parents raising children with ADHD, challenging behavior can quickly turn into a frustrating cycle of reminders, consequences, power struggles, and exhaustion.

But what if the problem is not that your child needs a stronger consequence?

What if your child is struggling with the skills required to meet the expectation?

On The ADHD Kids Can Thrive Podcast, I spoke with Dr. J. Stuart Ablon, Founder and Director of Think in the Department of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital and Associate Professor at Harvard Medical School.

Dr. Ablon is a leading expert in Collaborative Problem Solving®, or CPS, an evidence-based approach to understanding and responding to challenging behavior.

At the heart of the approach is a simple idea:

Kids do well if they can.

When children repeatedly struggle to meet expectations, Dr. Ablon encourages parents to look beyond whether the child wants to cooperate and become curious about what may be getting in the way.

For children with ADHD, that might include executive functioning, emotional regulation, impulse control, flexibility, planning, communication, or frustration tolerance.

That shift can change the question from:

“How do I make my child behave?”

to:

“What is making this hard, and how can we solve the problem?”

Why Don’t Consequences Always Work With ADHD Kids?

Rewards and consequences are common parenting tools.

They can work when a child already has the skills needed to meet an expectation and simply needs additional motivation.

But Dr. Ablon explains that motivation is only one piece of behavior.

If a child is struggling because they lack the executive function, emotional regulation, flexibility, planning, or problem-solving skills required in that moment, adding another consequence does not necessarily teach those missing skills.

In some situations, it can actually make the conflict worse.

Think about a child who repeatedly melts down when asked to stop a video game.

A parent might conclude:

He knows the rule. He just doesn’t want to get off.

So the parent removes the game for the next day.

But what if the actual problem is that the child has difficulty:

• Shifting attention away from a highly engaging activity
• Stopping something before reaching a natural ending point
• Managing frustration
• Thinking flexibly
• Understanding time
• Planning ahead
• Communicating why stopping feels difficult

The consequence may increase motivation.

But it may not strengthen any of those skills.

That is an important distinction.

What Does “Kids Do Well If They Can” Mean?

One of the central ideas behind Collaborative Problem Solving is:

Kids do well if they can.

Dr. Ablon contrasts this with the assumption that children do well if they want to.

When we assume a child is capable but unwilling, our natural response is often to increase motivation:

More rewards.

More consequences.

More pressure.

More reminders.

But when we understand repeated challenging behavior as a possible skill problem, our response changes.

Instead of asking:

“How do I make my child want to do this?”

we can ask:

“What skill might my child be having difficulty accessing here?”

This does not mean children never test limits.

It does not mean parents stop having expectations.

And it certainly does not mean every difficult behavior is acceptable.

It means that persistent problems deserve curiosity.

Think describes Collaborative Problem Solving as an approach that identifies the skills and situations contributing to challenging behavior and then helps adults and children solve those problems together.

Does Collaborative Problem Solving Mean Giving Up Boundaries?

No.

This was something I specifically wanted Dr. Ablon to address because parents often fear that empathy or collaboration means giving up authority.

It does not.

Families can still have expectations around:

Bedtime.

Screens.

Homework.

School.

Chores.

Safety.

Phones at the dinner table.

Curfews.

Respectful behavior.

The question is not whether parents are allowed to have expectations.

The question is:

What do we do when our child repeatedly cannot meet one?

Dr. Ablon separates the expectation itself from the strategy parents use when that expectation is not being met.

That is where Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C come in.

What Are Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C?

Collaborative Problem Solving gives parents three basic ways to respond when an expectation is not being met.

Plan A: The Parent Imposes the Solution

Plan A means the adult decides what needs to happen and imposes that decision.

For example:

“You didn’t get off the game when I told you to, so you lose it tomorrow.”

Sometimes parents choose Plan A because getting an expectation met immediately is the priority.

But Dr. Ablon points out that imposing our will may increase challenging behavior, particularly in children who have difficulty with flexibility and emotional regulation.

Plan C: Drop the Expectation for Now

Plan C means strategically deciding that a particular expectation is not the priority right now.

That does not necessarily mean abandoning the expectation forever.

Sometimes families simply have too many problems happening at once.

You may decide:

This is not the battle we need to solve this week.

That can free up energy to work on something more important.

Plan B: Solve the Problem Together

Plan B is Collaborative Problem Solving.

The parent does not abandon their concern.

The child does not simply get their way.

Instead, parent and child work together to understand the problem and develop a solution that addresses both sets of concerns.

Dr. Ablon describes Plan B as the approach that gives families an opportunity not only to solve recurring problems but also to build skills and strengthen relationships.

Does Empathy Mean Enabling Your Child?

No.

This is one of the most important distinctions from my conversation with Dr. Ablon.

Empathy does not mean agreeing with your child.

It does not mean changing the rule.

It does not mean saying yes.

Empathy simply means:

I am willing to understand your experience.

You can understand why something is difficult for your child and still have concerns of your own.

You can say:

“I understand why stopping your game right now feels hard.”

and still say:

“Family dinner matters to me.”

Both can be true.

Dr. Ablon explains that parents can be highly empathic while continuing to pursue their own concerns and remain the authority figure.

I love one simple idea he shared:

If we want children to listen to us, we may need to begin by listening to them.

How Does Plan B Work?

Plan B has three main ingredients.

Simple does not necessarily mean easy.

Step 1: Understand Your Child’s Concern

Start by becoming a detective.

Do not begin with your judgment about the behavior.

Instead of:

“Why do you always refuse to turn Fortnite off when I tell you?”

try something more neutral:

“I’ve noticed that when it’s time to turn Fortnite off and come to dinner, things seem to get difficult. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”

Then listen.

Ask questions.

Reflect back what you hear.

If your child does not know what to say, you might make an educated guess.

The goal is not to correct them yet.

The goal is to genuinely understand what is making the expectation difficult.

Dr. Ablon emphasizes that parents should begin with the child’s perspective before introducing their own concern because starting with the adult agenda can quickly cause the child to tune out or become defensive.

Step 2: Share the Parent’s Concern

Once you understand your child’s concern, you bring your concern into the conversation.

Notice the word concern.

Not your predetermined solution.

Maybe your concern is:

“I want us to have one part of the day when everyone eats together.”

Or:

“If you don’t eat dinner now, you’re hungry later and I’m cooking and cleaning again at 9:00.”

Those are more useful than:

“Because I said so.”

The clearer parents become about why an expectation matters, the easier it becomes to collaboratively solve the actual problem.

Step 3: Invite Your Child to Help Solve the Problem

Now both sets of concerns are on the table.

Then you can say something like:

“I wonder if we can think of something that works for both of us. Do you have any ideas?”

And then comes one of the hardest parenting skills:

Wait.

Give your child time to think.

Dr. Ablon encourages parents to let the child offer ideas first when possible because ownership increases buy-in and gives children an opportunity to practice problem solving themselves.

The goal is a solution that is:

Mutually satisfactory.

Realistic.

Doable.

Not a solution where the child wins.

Not a solution where the parent wins.

A solution that addresses the important concerns on both sides.

An ADHD Screen-Time Example: Getting Off Fortnite for Dinner

During our conversation, Dr. Ablon and I role-played a problem familiar to many ADHD families:

A child is playing Fortnite with a friend and does not want to stop when the parent calls them to dinner.

The easy interpretation is:

My child cares more about the game than our family rules.

But when we slowed the situation down, another perspective emerged.

The child might say:

“I’m playing with my friend. We’re almost finished. I can’t just disappear in the middle of the game. That feels rude.”

Suddenly, the situation looks different.

The child may not simply be refusing dinner.

They may be:

Trying not to abandon a friend.

Wanting to finish something they started.

Struggling with transitioning.

Not feeling hungry yet.

Trying to communicate all of that while also being told to stop immediately.

None of those concerns automatically mean the child gets to stay on Fortnite indefinitely.

The parent still has concerns.

Perhaps dinner is important because it is the family’s only time together.

Perhaps the parent does not want to prepare and clean up food multiple times throughout the evening.

Now there is an actual problem to solve.

That is much different from:

“You didn’t listen, so now you lose your game.”

Why Should Parents Solve Specific Problems Instead of “Bad Behavior”?

Dr. Ablon gives parents another useful piece of advice:

Get specific.

“Screen time is a disaster” is not a very solvable problem.

Neither is:

“My child never listens.”

Or:

“Homework is always a battle.”

Instead ask:

When exactly does the problem occur?

Maybe the problem is:

Turning Fortnite off at 6:00 to come to dinner.

Beginning math homework after coming home from soccer.

Getting dressed before school.

Putting the phone away at bedtime.

Leaving a friend’s house at the agreed-upon time.

Specific problems are easier to investigate and solve than broad descriptions of a child’s personality or behavior.

That alone can change the emotional tone for parents.

Instead of:

“My child is impossible around screens.”

you have:

“We need to figure out what makes transitioning from Fortnite to dinner at 6:00 difficult.”

One feels enormous.

The other is a problem you can begin working on.

Why Timing Matters When Using Plan B

One of Dr. Ablon’s strongest recommendations is:

Do not wait until everyone is already upset.

If your child repeatedly misses curfew, 10:30 at night while you are furious is probably not the best time to collaboratively solve the curfew problem.

If your child explodes when screens turn off, the middle of the explosion is not necessarily the best time to begin a deep discussion.

Whenever possible, use proactive Plan B.

Talk about predictable problems when everyone is calm.

Perhaps at the kitchen counter after school.

In the car.

During a walk.

Over a snack.

The recurring problem may happen at 8:00 p.m.

The conversation about solving it can happen at 4:00 p.m.

Dr. Ablon distinguishes this proactive problem solving from trying to solve the issue in the heat of the moment.

What Skills Can Collaborative Problem Solving Build?

This is where I think Plan B becomes particularly relevant for children with ADHD.

Every collaborative conversation gives a child practice using skills such as:

• Cognitive flexibility
• Perspective taking
• Emotional regulation
• Frustration tolerance
• Impulse control
• Planning
• Organization
• Communication
• Problem solving
• Considering another person’s concerns
• Generating possible solutions

Those are many of the same skills children with ADHD may find difficult.

Dr. Ablon explains that Collaborative Problem Solving is not simply about resolving the problem in front of you.

The process itself creates opportunities to practice lagging skills in real life.

And interestingly, the parent practices those skills too.

Parents practice:

Listening.

Flexibility.

Perspective taking.

Emotional regulation.

Problem solving.

Patience.

That means the family is learning together.

What If the Plan Doesn’t Work?

Then you learn something.

One of my favorite parts of the conversation was Dr. Ablon’s response to the question:

What happens if the child doesn’t follow through on the solution?

The answer is not automatically:

Add a consequence.

Instead ask:

Was the solution realistic?

Was it actually doable?

Did it address the child’s concern?

Did it address the parent’s concern?

Was there another concern we missed?

Does the child need more practice?

Do we need to adjust the plan?

Sometimes the first solution is not the right solution.

That does not mean the process failed.

It means you have more information.

Go back to the drawing board and revise.

That is problem solving.

Do Parents Have to Plan B Everything?

No.

That would be exhausting.

Dr. Ablon recommends choosing one or two recurring problems to begin with.

And he suggests not necessarily starting with your hardest issue.

Choose something where you have a reasonable chance of gaining traction.

Solve that.

Learn the process.

Build some confidence.

Then move to another problem.

Parenting a child with ADHD can feel overwhelming when every difficulty seems equally urgent.

It usually isn’t.

Part of effective parenting is deciding:

What actually needs my attention right now?

Is Collaborative Problem Solving Permissive Parenting?

No.

Collaborative problem solving is not collaborative surrender.

The parent’s concern remains part of Plan B.

If the child’s proposed solution works beautifully for them but completely ignores the parent’s concern, then you have not finished solving the problem.

Dr. Ablon distinguishes Collaborative Problem Solving from simply compromising or negotiating.

The goal is not to teach children that every rule can be negotiated away.

The goal is to find solutions that address both perspectives while helping the child practice the skills needed to handle similar problems more successfully in the future.

The parent still gets to be a parent.

You can be curious and hold a boundary.

You can listen and disagree.

You can understand your child’s experience and continue to care deeply about your own expectations.

A Parent Coach’s Perspective: Look for Skill Before Assuming Will

This framework fits closely with how I work with parents raising children with ADHD.

When the same problem keeps repeating, I encourage parents to step outside the argument and look at the larger pattern.

What exactly is hard?

What happens right before things fall apart?

What executive function skill is being asked of my child?

Is the expectation clear?

Can my child meet it consistently?

Do they understand why it matters?

Does the current consequence actually teach anything that would make success more likely next time?

Sometimes we discover that the child needs a stronger boundary.

Sometimes we discover that expectations need to become clearer.

Sometimes we discover that parents have been doing too much for the child.

And sometimes we discover that a child has been getting punished repeatedly for a skill they genuinely do not yet have.

Parent coaching is not about eliminating expectations.

It is about becoming more thoughtful about which expectations matter, what may be preventing success, and what response is most likely to move the child toward greater capability and independence.

The Goal Is Not Just Better Behavior

One of the most powerful things about Collaborative Problem Solving is that the immediate behavior is only part of the goal.

Yes, you want your child to eventually turn Fortnite off.

Yes, you want homework completed.

Yes, you want everyone out the door in the morning.

But you are also raising a future adult.

You want your child to learn how to:

Explain what is difficult.

Listen to another person’s concerns.

Think flexibly.

Recover from frustration.

Solve problems.

Negotiate relationships without simply demanding their own way.

Consider another perspective.

Develop workable solutions.

Those skills matter far beyond ADHD parenting.

Dr. Ablon describes research from Think showing that repeated use of Collaborative Problem Solving can help children develop executive functioning, cognitive flexibility, emotional regulation, impulse control, and problem-solving skills, while also improving adults’ problem-solving and perspective-taking abilities.

Your Relationship Is Part of the Outcome

There is another long-term benefit.

When your child knows:

My parent will listen to me.

My parent wants to understand me.

My concerns matter, even when I don’t get everything I want.

You are creating a relationship in which communication becomes safer.

That matters when your child is eight.

It matters when they are fifteen.

And it may matter even more when they are twenty-five.

As Dr. Ablon explains, children who experience their parents as willing to listen and understand are more likely to become willing to hear the parent’s perspective too.

We are not only trying to get through tonight’s argument.

We are building a relationship that will continue changing as our children grow.

Listen to Dr. Stuart Ablon on The ADHD Kids Can Thrive Podcast

In this episode of The ADHD Kids Can Thrive Podcast, I talk with Dr. Stuart Ablon about Collaborative Problem Solving, ADHD, emotional regulation, challenging behavior, boundaries, consequences, empathy, and the difference between Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C.

We also walk through a real-life Plan B conversation involving video games and family dinner so parents can hear what collaborative problem solving can sound like in everyday family life.

Listen to The ADHD Kids Can Thrive Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.

Parents can also learn more about Collaborative Problem Solving and Think through Massachusetts General Hospital’s Think program. Think currently describes CPS as an approach for addressing challenging behavior by identifying skill difficulties and collaborating on realistic, mutually satisfactory solutions.

If recurring power struggles around screens, homework, routines, school, emotional regulation, or boundaries are keeping your family stuck, ADHD parent coaching can help you step outside the immediate conflict, understand the pattern, and determine what support may help your child move forward.

Learn more at ADHDKidsCanThrive.com.

Frequently Asked Questions About ADHD, Plan B, and Collaborative Problem Solving

Why don’t consequences work with my ADHD child?

Consequences can help when a child has the skills needed to meet an expectation and primarily needs motivation. When the difficulty involves executive functioning, flexibility, emotional regulation, impulse control, planning, or another lagging skill, increasing consequences may not address the underlying problem.

What is Plan B parenting?

Plan B is the Collaborative Problem Solving approach developed and taught by Think. The parent first seeks to understand the child’s concern, then shares the adult’s concern, and finally invites the child to work together on a realistic solution that addresses both perspectives.

What are Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C?

In Collaborative Problem Solving, Plan A means the adult imposes their will, Plan B means the adult and child solve the problem collaboratively, and Plan C means strategically dropping or postponing an expectation for now. The choice depends on what the adult is trying to accomplish.

Does Plan B mean my child gets to negotiate every rule?

No. Collaborative Problem Solving is not about allowing the child to decide everything. The parent’s concern remains equally important. A workable Plan B solution must address both the child’s concern and the adult’s concern and must be realistic and doable.

Is empathy the same as enabling a child?

No. Empathy means trying to understand the child’s perspective. Parents can understand why something is difficult while still holding their own expectations, boundaries, and concerns.

How can Collaborative Problem Solving help children with ADHD?

Collaborative Problem Solving gives children opportunities to practice skills often involved in ADHD-related difficulties, including flexibility, frustration tolerance, executive functioning, emotional regulation, communication, perspective taking, and problem solving.

When is the best time to use Plan B?

Plan B is often most effective when you discuss recurring problems proactively rather than in the middle of a meltdown or argument. Choose a calm time and address one specific recurring problem.

Can ADHD parent coaching help with power struggles and challenging behavior?

Yes. ADHD parent coaching can help parents identify what may be underneath recurring conflicts, clarify expectations and boundaries, understand executive function challenges, and determine whether a situation requires additional structure, skill-building, collaboration, or another response. Parent coaching does not replace medical or mental health care when those services are needed.

About Dr. J. Stuart Ablon

J. Stuart Ablon, PhD, is Founder and Director of Think in the Department of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital. He is an award-winning psychologist, Associate Professor, and the Thomas G. Stemberg Endowed Chair in Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

Dr. Ablon is an internationally recognized expert on challenging behavior and Collaborative Problem Solving. He is the author of Changeable, The School Discipline Fix, and co-author of Treating Explosive Kids: The Collaborative Problem Solving Approach.

Through Think, Dr. Ablon helps parents, educators, clinicians, and organizations shift from viewing challenging behavior primarily as a problem of motivation toward identifying and building the skills people need to solve problems more successfully.

About Kate Brownfield, ACC

Kate Brownfield, ACC, is an ICF Associate Certified Coach, Certified ADHD and Executive Function Parent Coach, author, podcast host, and founder of ADHD Kids Can Thrive.

She provides ADHD parent coaching and education for parents raising children and teens with ADHD and related executive function, emotional regulation, school, and family challenges.

Through private coaching, group support, teaching, writing, and The ADHD Kids Can Thrive Podcast, Kate helps parents understand what may be underneath their child’s behavior, identify patterns keeping the family stuck, and find practical ways to respond to everyday ADHD challenges.

Her work supports families navigating homework struggles, screen-time conflict, routines and transitions, emotional regulation, executive functioning, motivation, boundaries, school challenges, and recurring parent-child conflict.

Learn more about private ADHD parent coaching and other support at ADHDKidsCanThrive.com.

This article and podcast are for educational purposes and are not a substitute for individualized medical or mental health advice.